Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Bad Year

2005 is a bad year for me and I had a hard time going through by myself. Losing someone (my grandma) I loved dearly was a painful experience. She was as close to my as my parents. Her funeral was on the third day of my second job. I never gave her any money after I graduated. First job paid me a scratch RM1200. I was just too happy to get a new job that pays me double. But unfortunately, she could not wait for me. On her funeral, I believe there's no one that cried more than me. But on the day of cremation, there's no more tears to cry. And that was when I felt my heart ached.
And also going through a staling relationship was definitely another reason why 2005 was a bad year.

2006 was a superb year. There were just too many reasons why it was so great. I was having too much fun that year and just a few days before celebrating the New Year of 2007, I ended up lying in Hospital Pantai Putri....and that was a very bad indication for the coming year.

Despite the super bonus and promotion I got from work, everything else was going downhill. Another painful incident happened to me which will be the burden and resentment for the rest of my life. And I had to carry this burden of guilt for the rest of my life without telling anyone. And then my dad. I always know cancer illness runs in the family but only when it hit my dad I could feel the shock and anxiety. But don't worry, my family and I are going through this strongly.

And then suddenly I realize I'm in a relationship that doesn't promise me anything. Am happy. But what is happiness? What does happiness promise me? Does happiness promise me any future? Happiness is intangible. I always thought I have happiness but actually, I don't really know if happiness is there. I can't touch it, taste it or feel it. I just think I have happiness. Ignorance is bliss.

But it's just a matter of time on how long I can ignore. And wait.

Everyone sees me as an optimistic and smart gal, which I have to keep on portraying, which is tough. Especially during a bad year like this one.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Kii ... we are here. We will supports you .. :)
    Everyone has own difficulty and things to think about. We have to face it strongly .. Good luck to all of us ...

  3. i understand how u feels.. carrying a burden nobody can ever understand.. and everyone sees you as an optimistic & happy go lucky girl.. I've been thru it, & am stil goin thru tis

    bt hey, u r not alone! cos you've gt me.. facing the same situation as u.. so dun fret & dun thk too much about it.. things happened for a reason..


  4. So sorry to hear about your dad. I still remember your dad drive us to school. Hope that you and your family will go through the struggle of battling the illness and hope that your dad will get well soon.

    Every cloud has a silver lining. You will enjoy happiness when the time comes. Just don't give up on your difficulties that you are facing. All the best to you and take care.

  5. Care to share a bit of the burden you are carrying? Does it have to do with your ex boyfriend or current one?

  6. Hey...cheer up,buddy!Life is full of challenges and struggles. No 1 can avoid that. It's all planned.It meant to grow us. But no matter how bad it is, it will still have it's good side. Share out watever u can share, so ur shoulder will be lighter. U are blessed with so many friends around u!So dun be down...Keep it up with ur optimistic spirit!

  7. Hi!

    Hang in there. As long as you know there's a "problem", you can always choose to do something about it - even if the "something" is not a good thing now, it will turn out to be better in the future.

    I couldn't relate to anything much in your post, but the latter bit - the relationship part. I "feel" that I can relate because I was blissfully happy, even if I knew my relationship wasn't heading anywhere.. But lately, I did something about it. It hurts badly, but I know in the end, it might be better for both parties.

    Hopefully you would feel happier soon too. *hugz*

    Perhaps, that would explain the lack of updates in my blog too. *smiles*

  8. I understand the frustration and the issues of life that engulf one. Move on you must, persevere and you will get through to the other side. :) Faith I have, in you.

    Remember hope? Man's best friend. :)