Monday, May 22, 2006

Little experiment

I am someone's little experiment? What does he meant by that? Joke? But it's very offensive. Or perhaps it doesn't mean anything at all. Just plain humour. Or it's just a psychology mind game between the two of us. Thinking that I might be the subject of someone's little love experiment really makes me nauseous. But after all, it's just a simple chat....

Him : Do you miss me?
Me : If it'll makes u happy by saying yes, then I do lor.
Him : I want the truth.
Me : need truth truth gua, so serious meh?
Him : You'll never know, I might be happier if you say no.
Me : -_- Then no lor.
Him : Yes! Haha
Me : But then, do you miss me?
Him : Nope
Me : No need lie lie, I know u do miss me by the number of 'miss u la tuuuuuu' from you earlier. Haha
Him : 'redface icon'
Me : Ngek ngek ngek
Him : You'll never know when I'm telling the truth and when I'm not. I'm the master of psychology.
Him : I play u only
Him : You're my little experiment

Well, I got used to most of his cruel humours but somehow this is kinda offensive. We're very close friends and nothing more than that. Crap talks, sex jokes, poke poke each other, and we always hang out together during most of our boring weekends and most of the time just the two of us, but let me remind you again, we're not couple. Perhaps we'd played a little out from the border? But I enjoy playing all along......

Master of psycology he calls himself? I think I'm pretty good in playing tricks too. Somehow I feel that this will turn out to be a game of who will make who fall with the other first? Fun and risky,I don't want to be hurt and yet I want to play along because I want to prove that I won't lose. He's too full of himself and always so over-condifent in everything. A part of me really want to break this man but then........this is not a game that I should play. I'm not up to that level....LOLed.

My friend once told me that I'm the kind of person that won't fall too deep in love because I'll love myself more than anyone else. She said it's because I'm a Geminian. Part of it is true but actually I really want to fall head over heels in love. I keep telling myself that I don't have this kinda head over heels and butterfly in stomach phenomenon because I still havent found Mr. Right. But Mr.Right always turn out to be Mr.Seems Not So Right. Love is in fact everyone's little experiment. We always try to find the answers. Some hurt really bad when the experiment blasts. Some able to obtain analysis data, useful observation and learn precaution steps from failures. Very few are able to came out with really good and sastifying result.

If you did follow my blog, I rarely write anything about 'love'. Until recently.......
I don't need guys to feel love. I have my parents, my friends who really cares for me.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Showcase of hunks

Some colleagues remain as colleagues forever. But sometimes friendship may bloom from workplace. How many are true and genuine friends?

In my boss (engineering manager)'s room. I think he's quite handsome but he got too much of those bossy attitude.

Those are the technicians. (one of them is the trainee who hugged me). Y my face look so round??? Hukhuk....

An outing with the boys to Sg. Klah Hot Spring.

Notice something odd? I'm the only girl in the crowd. There's too few female engineers. But I kinda enjoy the attention and privilege of being one of the roses among the torn.

Strings of unexpected events

Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly
and without law, and must be plucked where it is found,
and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration."

I really don't know where to start about the unexpected and funny events yesterday. First thing in the morning, the production manager was giving me weird(in a funny way) look. I know something was wrong.....but I didn't suspect anything serious because I was never in any big trouble. But just before we are about to go off work, my section head called me into a small room and talked to me. They heard rumours that I'm going to KL for interview. LOL...the conversation was a little awkward. I don't know where they got the rumours, I haven't even update my resume (since 1 year ago) or send out any job application letters. Perhaps it's just a slight misunderstanding. My section head was giving me a lot of advices....and sounds like trying to win me back saying that he will make sure everyone is happy with their work and I will get my chances of going overseas(please ar, I don't even get to go to the Singapore Semicon Show, instead he picked someone who went to overseas a few times...sheesh...). And I did assured him that I really don't have any intention of leaving for the near future and the KL interview thing was just a misunderstood. Althought it's really a misunderstanding but in my heart I am really thinking of leaving. And I feel like telling lies and giving him false hopes. But in fact, I really don't have any concrete intention or plan to leave. I'm not sure how I feel after the small talk with my head.....he seems to have high hopes in me and I feel guilty of lying to him. But I'm sure I won't be going anywhere in this few months, not until I finish updating my resume and then only I'll scout profusely for job oppurtunities.

Another weird and unexpected event has to be relate back to this old post about the men that I loathe. The suprise (and I think quite funny too) part was one of the man that I loathe confess to me last night. HAHAHAHA. My basic principle in how i treat people is that they treat me nice and I treat them nice, which almost everyone practise. So one thing that I don't understand and angry is when I treat someone nice and we're like friends but then suddenly he started to pick on me, annoys me, irritates me. Yet so, I still treat him like a friend and celebrated his farewell with him. And on his last day at work, he seems sad and unhappy and the worst part was that he suddenly hugged me (without my permission that is). I didn't suspect anything because I thought he was just being emotional. We still keep in touch through messenger and he still never fail to annoy and irritate me even in messenger. Last night I really couldn't handle anymore and get serious with him and asked him why is he so dislike me and always do things to piss me off. His reason of all the stupid annoyance was because he has feeling towards me and realized that it's something impossible (both of us are in relationships and I told him before that I'm not interested in someone younger than me). *sigh* sometimes something is really unexpected. I kinda like his companion before he started to piss me off(purposely??). It's weird how someone will treat the people they like. I just don't understand. I just don't...............

And I just told myself to expect the unexpected. But I really don't see this coming. Funny..........

Monday, May 08, 2006

Don't feel like doing anything

I don't feel like doing anything on a Sunday morning. Not even in the mood to look for nice picture to dress up my entry(like I always do).

Last night went out to yumcha at Oldtown Kopitiam with Yoke Ping, thought that want to introduce Battusai to Yoke Ping but end up in a group of unclickable friends of his. Met some of colleagues (coincidence) there too. Then Battusai told me that they asked why we're so close nowadays. HAHA. But there's definately no chemistry between us. We just like to hang out with each other. Sometimes hang out with a person like him can cheer me up a lot. Ping seems sien the whole night, but can't blame her. I was too....Or are we too limited to our small circle of friends, and difficult to open up to new friends? His friends are very chatty and one of them commented that we're being too quiet. Sheesh....But I felt uneasy and awkward in a group of English talker. Jokes seems not funny and I don't have much to comment about. I don't think my English is unpresentable but Battusai always kutuk me till I lost the confidence to converse in English. But Cantonese jokes more funny laaaaaaaa.............

Ping was a bit worried with the strange changes in me. She said I'm looking sad and down and not as talkative as I use to be. Am I? She's not the first person telling me this. Debbie also once asked me whether there's anything troubling me. Do I look so depress? I still talk a lot of crappy stuff and laugh a lot. *sigh* But I don't even realize it myself that I am so depress looking. Everyone is not happy with their own life. But I'm not too unhappy about it. I'm stil grateful with what I have now. There's just something in my head that's pulling me down. Ping said it was because I see a lot of her lately....that her bad luck overshadow me as well. Don't be silly la Yoke Ping. Where got such silly thing? Fate, luck,'s all in our hand, our own destiny. No one has any effect on it. Even we might feel better if we could blame it on someone else but in the end it will still come back to us. That's why I don't want to to feel regret in anything that I did or any decision that I made. No matter how worse the outcome might be, we still can learn something from it. Sometimes we might do something so stupid that we smart ppl usually won't do(when in our rasionally clear heads) but as time goes by, we will just laugh at our own stupidity. Just like how I will laugh at myself one day when I read back those entries.

Lunch time now....mind blog more later in the night.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I'm not sad

I'm listening to Stephanie Sun's 我不難過 (I'm not sad). I always love this song. Whenever I'm sad I'll listen to this song and tell myself that I'm not sad and I'm strong enough to brave it through.

又站在你家的門口 我們重複沉默 這樣子單方面的守候 還能多久
終於你開口向我訴說她有多溫柔 雖然你還握著我的手 但我已不在你心中
我真的懂 你不是喜新厭舊 是我沒有 陪在你身邊 當你寂寞時候
別再看著我 說著你愛過 別太傷痛 我不難過 這不算什麼
只是為什麼眼淚楓y 我也不懂 就讓我走 讓我開始享受自由
回憶很多 你的影子也極滿我生活 我並不懦弱
你比誰都懂 雖然寂寞 這楓我 最後的寬容
抱緊我 再抱緊我 這一份感動 請你讓我留在胸口
別在說是你的錯 愛到了盡頭 是非對錯 就讓它隨風
忘了所有 過得比你快活 我真的懂 你不是喜新厭舊 是我沒有
陪在你身邊 當你寂寞時候 別再看著我 說著你愛過 別太傷痛
我不難過 這不算什麼 只是為什麼眼淚楓 我也不懂
不要再說 或許這是最好結果 現在分手 總好過你不愛我一拖再拖
鬆開你的手 離開你左右 我向前走 這楓我 真正的解脫

I just got a bad news from Zhien. Her dad passed away at 4pm today.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The missing pieces

Blogging is a good solution to keep myself occupy. What's missing in my life? I have everything and yet feel so empty. What is missing? People will tell me appreciate what I have now. But they don't know that it's not what I want. They don't know what I really want. I'm completely this the age when everyone seems to feel lost? Tell me this is a normal stage of life. Say I'm happy, can't say I'm completely happy. Say I'm sad, I still can have fun and make loads of bull jokes. It's just that I'm still not sastify with what I have. I don't have any plan for my future. I don't have any achievement (and far from that.....). But at least a firm career for me to crack my head up everyday. But the job I am doing everyday is almost near to what I loathe. Interest doesn't grow as I work, hatre did instead. I am just waiting for the right time and opportunity to give up my stupid wire bonding process engineering work.

Dad sent my car to the workshop today. Poor car was fix. Dad got me new tyres as well. And overall, it ate me up RM370. *sigh* Just when I decided to watch my spending habits and save up extra buck this month, but we have to expect the unexpected.

Expect the unexpected................a good lesson learnt. Both my car and also the broken promises. Nothing comes smoothly along the way. Just expect the unexpected, anytime, anywhere. Confidence is important but sometimes it's just like lying to ourselves. We could see risk coming but can we strive with just confidence and nothing else? Just like when I'm so confident to do the tight side parking. Confidence itself blinded me out from seeing the dangers ahead. Hence, end up with stupidity and hurt(my car).

Anyway, I will learn to expect the unexpected from now on.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Something else

Here's something else.
New fringe again. And I look stupid with the fringe. Izzit the fringe that drives ppl away? And what's with the dark eye circles? *sigh*

And yet another bag to add into my bag collection. I know I don't need another bag but I can't resist this. It's only RM29!!!!! Not the colour that I like but I chose this over beige. At lease the lacey and flower things are pretty and it goes with the colour. Not bad, huh. Hehe

Going to sleep. Tata

What's happening to me?

On boring Sunday afternoon, while everyone was still enjoying their long weekend, I was miserably bored, bored with life, bored with ppl's promises, bored with waiting, bored with everything.....
And so, trying to make an effort to get out from the boredom, I went out with Debbie and Shelley to Ipoh Parade, with me becoming the driver of the day to pick them up one by one(and they live pretty far apart). I'm being generous because both are working in KL and coming back for the weekend, so I volunteer to give them a ride.
But generousity doesn't get paid in a good way......but mainly due to my own carelessness and stupidity.

This is how my old car looked like after I banged it to someone else's car during side parking. I'm qualified with side parking it my bad luck or is it my stupidity? What's in my head? What am I thinking? I should see the damn maroon car right in front of me. I can do SIDE PARKING, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

And then the whole damn Sunday night was spent at home. I slept before 1am on Saturday and Sunday night. I didn't even switch on my PC for the whole weekend, until today. Which is very rare. What's up with my life? I felt bored and helpless before but this weekend I WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE ALONE! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate people who break their promises and don't feel at least a pinch of guilty.

And I hate it when everyone seems to be busy and enjoying on the weekend....except me. Why am I so activity-less? Is my circle of friends so limited? Or am I soooo.....uninvited? DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!! I'm not that bad am I?

And so early on Labour's Day(today), I decided to make my first move (ever made in my life), to call up a guy and ask him out. Not with any special intention, but just to spend some time with. And do some crazy thing that I'd never do before. So guess what I did?

A movie marathon. HAHAHA. What were you thinking? Straight on from 11.50am: The Hills Have Eyes and then 2.45pm: Water Spirit. Both were B-grade movie but still watcable. Got a few scares from The Hills Have Eyes and Water Spirit was just another lousy Western horror movie that tried to have a twist in the end but didn't work out. Movie marathon was fun....might do something like this again sometimes, get to kill a lot of times but end up with strained eyes. Well, this poor guy who had to endure the whole marathon with me was really a good guy friend and I didn't expect him to give me some good advices too. Well, some people really did grew up and see things differently. Knowing him for 10 years, I could see a lot of changes in him. Just when am I going to see some changes in myself?

I know I sound too damn desperate in this entry. Just what the hell is happening to me???????????? A 'kemek' car and a movie marathon. What an achievement of a lifetime. A good friend of mine might know who was responsible to my siao-ness this few days. I will recover to my old self. I know I am smart enough not to keep falling. I should appreciate what I have now, instead of keep longing for changes. Changes might or might not be good. I just want to feel something different. Which is exactly what I'm going through right now. I feel ugly and stupid. Stupid enough to believe someone I don't really know. Ugly enough to admit that I'm stupid. Just great.....just great......

*sigh* I hope I won't dwell too long in this period of 'lost'.